Thursday, August 11, 2011

Amazing Grace

If you look closely...'ll see a tiny person, perched at the opening of that nest. In all it's absurdity (I'd also venture, poignancy), this picture is a jarring metaphor for what is going on in my heart and mind right now. A series of moments today made me realize that sometimes when I believe I'm creating a sense of security for myself, in reality, I'm actually constructing a prison.

Since I started this project of mine (creating a space and repository for my faith journey... and the thoughts and passions I don't know what to do with yet), I've been obsessed with 'setting the stage' for this great adventure to happen:

...carefully defining myself to those who might find their way here
(nipping in the bud any chance that someone might impose their own perception of who I am on me... yes, I do realize how defensive/insecure that sounds... a lifelong struggle that apparently continues)

...anticipating 'issues' and addressing them before they happen
(I've been reading blogs for a very long time and aching along with the most sublime writers every time some troll (aka the kamikaze commenter) comes along and explodes all over their space)

...creating an environment that inspires and feeds me every time I show up here
(I'm a 'nester'... even when I travel a few key personal items must be included in my suitcase: something to read, music that soothes, a picture or two reminding me of who I am*, a light I can control just in case I lose my way or the dark 'there' is too scary or too harsh or less than illuminating, and something soft to wrap around myself in the event that there are no arms available... and I rearrange for my own comfort** whatever space I'm allowed, tangibly defining where I end and everything else begins)

...doing pretty much anything except writing (odd, since this is a BLOG - an organism whose very nature is defined by WRITING).

As I've been planning, and arranging, and rearranging yet again, I've been keeping a list of topics and notes about what I will write when I'm done all of this.

And it's happening again... my enthusiasm for this endeavour is waning. Four years ago I made the mistake of asking a friend what they thought of my newly created space, and they told me. I never went back.

My nesting here tells me that I am struggling madly within that almost indiscernible space between excitement and fear, confidence and insanity, joy and anguish. I know once I start being here I will not be able to stop... I will not be able to put the words back into my head and walk away. People will read those words. Perhaps I don't really want that as much as I think I do.

This all changed a few minutes ago. I read something which moved me to tears, chased the shadows out of my heart and (for now) has inspired me beyond the need for the perfect moment to begin writing here. Today I can't just make a little note with references and go back to arranging 'space' (anybody else hear how ridiculous this sounds?!).

A blogger I follow 'Bad Catholic' is documenting his journey toward World Youth Day. Today he's reminded me about grace: grace requires your uncensored presence, and sometimes going where you didn't plan. the gift of grace requires an act of faith. grace arrives when you least expect it. grace is the language of the universe, and that speaking it doesn't require head knowledge, but a willingness of heart and a receptive soul.

Dancing with God requires a willingness to seek, accept and live the the grace He offers.

So today, I'm just going to be here. I trust grace to meet me.

Please go read Marc's offering, "How to Speak Catholic". It's worth your time. More than anything in my life, I regret not being this sort Catholic in my youth. I regret all I squandered. I'm determined to not repeat myself in this last half of my life.

...until the next dance!

* anybody else forget who they are while they are 'traveling' ?!

** neglecting to receive the gift I'm given (one of my topics with notes)

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